the male detox: part 1
I’m relatively sure of the fact that those of you who are reading this fall into one of three categories: 1. my family members who I bait into reading all the writing I put out, 2. women who want to read this to join in the fun of pointing out mens wrongs (or boys wrongs, if we’re being honest) and 3. those boys who lurk in my Instagram feed. Welcome. I can imagine the fear on their faces when they see that Caraline is writing about men once again! Whatever will she say this time?! Will she mention me? Will she mention the silly things I did? A warranted reaction. But for now, I’m not writing about you boys. Not just yet. For now, I am writing about a new goal of mine. A goal that requires I break away from you. I will be swearing off men for the foreseeable future.
Perhaps “swearing off” is a bit intense. I’m not joining a convent and I am keeping my Hinge profile up yet I have muted notifications. I suppose a better way to explain this new experiment I’m conducting is to say that I’m not going to scrounge for male attention with gritted teeth and an empty stomach as I have always done. To put it bluntly, the way I have been searching for affection is like someone who only goes grocery shopping when they’re hungry.
Summer always draws in one’s anticipation for romance. “Hot girl summer”, “summer lovin’”, and “summer fling”: it’s natural for us to get excited about the prospect of these things. And you best believe, I do. Every year. When I was in a relationship, the summer was spent sending letters back and forth and planning trips for when we reunited. In high school, I anticipated that one boy coming home from college or my childhood crush who was visiting the coast for a few days which was preluded by months suspense; “What would happen?”, “Will he be interested in me this year?”, “Will he have a girlfriend this time around or not?” and then inevitable heartbreak and irritation when all of my expectations (wild, cinematic, difficult to achieve) were let down. Summer isn’t a fantasy. It’s still your life just in shorts.
Those years where I lived in the fantasy of summer love had their place in my life at the time. But I spent a helluva lot of that time obsessing over male attention. Not just over the summer but cyclically. It was when I returned from my study abroad program and people I’d known all my life came home for the summer, that I decided a male detox was in order. My pool had shrunk. Things got closer to home. As my friend Elena told me, “This is not Europe anymore. This is real life.” I’m still trying to debate this fact.
This decision is not me taking time off to “focus on myself”. I’m always focusing on myself, to be honest. I know who I am, I know what I want, I just don’t want to put myself in situations where I need to compromise on those things anymore just for an ephemeral taste of being wanted.
As you may have noticed, this is only Part 1. I have so much more to say on this subject and will be updating all my readers on the progress, fallbacks, my villain origin, and my process on taking a tolerance break from the male mind.
That being said, if you know anyone, feel free to set me up.
