there is hope

I think it’s time I talked about the past year of my life. It’s been the worst year of my life. "Worst" feels strong but absolutely the hardest and most mentally taxing year of my life. Here goes.

Spring:

I was in my first official relationship. I was happy with him but struggling at school. I hadn’t found the friends I anticipated—most people were exclusionary within their friend groups or just disliked. I was not getting cast in any shows (despite several callbacks), I wasn’t clicking with people, and there was a culture at Emerson College that I was still getting used to. A culture I was slowly figuring out that I hated. But, I had a boyfriend. How bad could life be?

Well, my family did not like him. My friends (I only had two at school) didn’t like him. Their opinion wasn't communicated to me outright but a part of me understood. Aside from those I was closest with, other Emerson students, who I never even met, also disliked him for reasons far beyond my understanding.

Summer:

I returned home and I was doing well. I had a great summer. I missed my boyfriend when we were apart for months at a time but that was my biggest issue at the time. Aside from my IUD insertion which was more hellish than I expected.

Fall:

I had my first panic attack since my senior year of high school. This was brought on by heavy factors that I felt I was too young to deal with. Factors that made me want to drop out of school, drop out of life if I could. Factors that made my brain think that I was completely alone and unliked.

Time went on. I got into my first show at Emerson. On opening night, I had a terrible fight with my boyfriend after we haddinner with my entire family. It was clear to me now that they didn’t want us together. I had spent the majority of our relationship defending him to them and defending them to him. Again, I felt torn between people I loved and like I was losing no matter which way I turned.

Winter:

We broke up in December. Not because we wanted to but because I was going abroad and he was going to transfer to a different school, mostly because of our college's perception of him.

December sucked: Family trouble. Heartbroken for the first time in my life. Pale, dry skin. Puffy eyes from crying all the time. The anxiety leading up to my departure.

I was finally happy when I got there. I was single, unencumbered, and revitalized by the new, foreign energy. But, of course, I ran into the same problem I always had during my time in college. The people I surrounded myself with over there truly made me feel like I was an insignificant, mean, selfish, uncaring, unthoughtful, self-aggrandizing, pathetic, sad excuse for a person. I knew I wasn’t all of these things but I didn’t want to be traveling through Europe alone so I tried so hard to be around people who did not, and would not, understand me. Or like me. Either they were mean people or my mind was playing insufferable tricks on me.

My anxiety got worse and worse and worse. My mind refused to cut me any slack. Over time, I had forgotten everything (everything) I once liked about myself. I was a shell of self-doubt. I can now admit, I hated myself. And this wasn’t something I had repressed that suddenly surfaced. It was caused by people who felt intimidated by me and sad for themselves. They made my world very dark and I grew comfortable rotting in it. I was their pretty red target bolted to the wall.

Spring:

I snapped out of the self-hatred after a while but it took medication and several tear-filled phone calls with my mother to really stick: I wasn’t bad for simply existing. I was doing my best. Everyone was just doing their best. I wish I was fullypast this mental stream of insecurity, but I’m not. I think those few months left a scar that won’t ever fade completely, but I have gotten better. I will keep getting better, then worse, then better again, and so on and so on.

Summer:

I’ve done a lot of reflecting lately, especially when that voice drifts back into the frame. But recently, I realized that there is hope. Dammit, there is hope!! Life sucks on occasion and sometimes those occasions last years. But there is hope. I need to start telling myself that.

Flags still blow in the wind. People still fall in love and raise a family. Children have dreams that they will change the world. Some of them grow up and actually make change. Stars burst only to form stunning nebulas. Animals die to feed others. There’s air conditioning and new music being written. Lightning smiles to feed the flowers. Our cups will never empty if we fill each other's. There are hands to be held if you reach for them.

Hope is cheesy but it’s also beautiful and bountiful if you keep your eye on it, like a toddler alone with a cookie jar or a puppy running through the backyard. It’s there for you. And I’m here if you need a reminder.

That’s all for now.